Into the breaches

Tuesday I’m off for Hanoi once again, albeit for a brief stint to finalize the report that was so abruptly abandoned due to some strange cosmic chain of events sending one disease after another my way. It is back to reality, and quite frankly a bit daunting.

Bangkok has been hectic, emotional, eventful and pretty damn good, with brief moments of lazing about, indulging in such activities as having (my first ever) manicure/pedicure and shopping like Paris Hilton on speed, at the favorable lower prices which the rate between the Thai and Danish currency allows us, eating whatever we wanted at whichever time we wanted.

But somehow, regardless of time spent having people serve and pamper me, (which by the way I am not sure I will ever feel quite comfortable with) time or at least my inner mechanism regulating the sense of time does not seem to have slowed down yet. My sister having to teach me to sleep in beyond eight o’clock being a sort of testimony to that.

I will have to make a strong effort to alter my mindset to work mode, rebooting to the days when community-based organisations, demand-driven approach, and multi-pronged development strategy resided in my vocabulary with ease and regularity in use.

Beyond work-related duties in Hanoi, friends, meals to be had and an atmosphere to be taken in awaits.

Transitions/Transformations

The blog started out as a travel blog, to document and capture thoughts, emotions and experiences from my four month long internship in Hanoi, Vietnam. Small transformations have taken place, amateurish fiddlings with the layout, colors and such and even a shift from Danish to English.

Recently it’s been host to some very personal and private thoughts revolving around my sister and I meeting up with our dad in Bangkok for the first time in 29 odd years (my birth certificate indicating Dec.28, 1978). In addition in my own completely unordered, scrambled fashion I seem to have been taking stock, that is emotionally, of my time spent here in Vietnam, reflecting on all the experiences it has brought with it and the great people that I’ve made here.

It seems appropriate and natural somehow to make some visible change to indicate that the blog has evolved from its initial purpose. So without further a due, welcome to Hanoi, and beyond.

Thank you’s or soothing the crazy

For the first time in 4 months, there sitting atop the basket of greens and herbs accompanying my lone late-lunch bun cha, a generous helping of bean sprouts, taking all the time in the world picking out a bottle of white at Fivi, swaying and singing along to the supermarket version of ‘You don’t have to say you love me’, whilst uniform clad Vietnamese staff shake their head at me, watching a 3 year old boy mesmerized by the chicken running free at the side of the road, my beautiful friend Josie going “Oh poo” as a response to a matter requiring much careful consideration, and knowing I’ll revisit Hanoi very soon, even for only a brief appearance.

Oh, for those of you wondering out there, (a few enquiries having been made already), a little reassurance is in order I guess: I’ve not gone completely off the deep end yet, at least not in any significant or different way than what you’ve always known me to be.

Turn off the noise

By this time Thursday I will be on a plane to Bangkok, somehow not moving that far, in relative terms, considering the short duration of the flight, but moving me emotionally, mentally far far away…and then again.

The last two weeks I have been in this strange state of mind, experiencing violent surges of excessive happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, joy and tenderness, maneuvering rapidly across back and forth on the entire spectrum of emotions that humans are capable of having.
Spending time with my friends I find myself looking at them, smiling at the quirks and oddities that make me like them so much. I savor every moment spent here, and consequently, simultaneously morn the fact that soon it will all end. During this brief, intense span of time I have made such strong connections with people which I realize, in moments of sanity, that I should treasure and be grateful of instead of weeping over the fact that soon it will take more effort to sustain these friendships. Perhaps I should attribute my emotions to plain old laziness and just snap out of it.

My sleep is that dreamless kind, where you wake up in the middle of the night overwhelmed by a sense of desolation or melancholy, almost a perfect imitation of the feeling I have during that recurring feverish dream, which has followed me since childhood.

I suspect this approximates how it is to be mentally disturbed, unable to control the noise in my head, and unexpected reactions set off by the most inane, unrelated small events. Except that apparently really crazy people do not know that they are in fact crazy. There might be hope for me yet.

Meeting my father has entered the realm of reality, the date set to this Saturday. It excites me, makes me anxious, and then comes the sadness. My brother will not be here to take part in it, to feel exactly how only he can feel about it, to cry, to scold, to ask questions that have been asked a million times before inside his head, to come to terms with the answers given, to find closure and to find his father. I will have to come to terms with this, and I will. As I will with leaving Hanoi and beloved ones behind.

From the bottom of the food chain

The scene is set. An office of an international NGO somewhere in Hanoi, a table, and four people convened to discuss the terms and details of the months ahead. Introductions are made, courtesies exchanged, details about the assignment to be solved is discussed. And then, the statement: “So if you have any questions or need any feedback, don’t hesitate to ask the team even though you, as an intern, is at the bottom of the food chain.”

Need I mention that the expression on my face following that remark was not one of unambiguous joy?

This statement was made at my very first meeting with my team at Care, and I am happy to report that it has not been entirely symptomatic for my experience here in Vietnam as an intern. However it did set a tone for my time here, which I believe has influenced the extent of interest, feedback and cooperation that I have gotten from both my supervisor, and senior supervisor.

However some times things take a turn for the unexpected. It all seemed to coincide with me having dengue fever, and consequently measles. Personal get-well calls from the senior supervisor, a surprising level of consideration for me missing my deadline, and then an invitation for Ia (my co-intern, housemate and favorite demon-child) and I to dine with the country director and the country coordinator from Care’s office in Denmark.

Suddenly we’re at a restaurant boasting an Italian/Mediterranean menu with prices quoted in us dollars, drinking house red wine by the carafes, eating lovely pasta dishes that taste like pasta should actually taste, and exchanging witty banter and sharp observations about the state of the development world with the big shots.

Conclusion: progress has been made, we’ve moved up in the world – at least for the last one and a half weeks of our internship…

Fear, tremblings, and trepidations

A friend recently inspired me to build my character. As we go through life, often we find ourselves in situations where we, for fear of criticism, rejection, anger, or any other reaction that may be unpleasant to deal with or cause us momentary pain, hurt or humiliation, hold back and decline from telling the truth or saying how we really feel. I suppose it is in some ways one of the conditions of being a human being, and having to navigate through life; we’re taught how to interact with each other from childhood, ensuring that relations run more smoothly and perhaps minimizing the frequency of grave misunderstandings, conflicts and confrontations between people.

An unfortunate bi-product of this is that sometimes we end up playing these odd games, pretending to feel differently than we really do, or taking all kinds of evasive action to camouflage the actual nature of our opinion or stand on something.

But every now and then I guess it is time to step up to the plate, take a very deep breath, and with great fear, tremblings and trepidations, go ahead and tell the truth.

It’s a rewarding feeling, and whilst inevitably you do care what the response will be when the smoke clears, it just feels great in its own right. So as I was saying, I’ve taken the jump, and I feel stronger and more confident for doing it…

Sadness, elation and measles

Last night I went out for dinner and coffee with my good friend Dung, enjoyed a bowl of bun bo nam bo at my regular corner and ended up at a cafe overlooking the lake and the roundabout at Hoan Kiem Lake. Sat there talking for a couple of hours, the moon above unusually beautiful, a greenish, eerie glair to it, and the traffic going as it always does in Hanoi, taking on a life of its own, people out and about, honking, winding, swerving their way through the streets – all the little things that make me fall more and more in love with this city.

Maybe it is because my days here are now literally numbered, (there are 9 to go), that I am seeing Hanoi through these rose tinted, ideal glasses, feeling incredibly nostalgic and sad that I don’t have more time to jump on my bicycle, explore the yet to be discovered nooks and crevices of this town, armed with my very new camera, which I am completely and utterly incompetent at using so far, having been incapacitated two days after I bought it, and still on the recovery.

On the other hand I seem to be in this constant state of elation, since the last week has been jampacked with great moments spent with many of the people that have contributed to my time here being so great. It’s like being granted 3 wishes by a genie in a bottle, and getting them all at once; there’s been pot luck rooftop dinner, a prematurely scheduled going-away party for Ia and I, dim sum lunch turned into dvd-hangover day, turned into impromptu streetfood dinner hopping, and on the horizon is silly swan-on-lake-ride with colleagues followed by bia hoi and karaoke, make-it-yourself-dim-sum-frenzy, and long awaited dates at Love Chocolate Cafe.

What can I say, I’m happy and enjoying it.

Oh, just to try and balance out the perhaps excruciatingly annoying perkyness of this post, I just had a call from my doctor, the dear Dr.Brian. To add injury to insult, my test results show that I not only had dengue fever but also a case of the measles (in April a measles alert circulated to the different NGOs but I guess this one decided to linger on for a while), most likely adding a ‘few weeks’ to my recovery time.

I’m telling you people, by now it’s just getting plain ridiculous this disease business…

When life hands you lemons

…apparently you’ve got dengue.

Just a few days ago my doctor, Dr.Brian (I call him my doctor, for some reason it has a nice ring to it) confirmed that what I had thought was just a mean case of the flu (we’re talking a chip on its shoulder kinda mean), is in fact dengue fever, otherwise lovingly known as break bone fever. Now as far as tropical diseases goes, this is one of the ones that you don’t want (not that malaria is topping your guest list for a dinner party either), since there is no cure for it. What makes it even more delightful is that if you are unlucky enough to contract the same type of dengue one more time, it increases the chances of it developing into dengue hemorrhagic fever, where your body starts bleeding (hemorrhaging).

This is my third day without fever, no body aches or sore throat which the dear doctor says are very good signs. My blood counts are also slowly rising, which they should be. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed I’m over the worst part, meanwhile keeping a low profile, as in not working and in general trying to get as much rest and quiet as possible. Which is a difficult thing to do, when I’ve got deadlines, as well as my impending departure from Hanoi looming over me.

The last two days I’ve been experiencing this constant dizzyness, adding a bit of a surreal touch to how I’m taking in the world. Life rolls by me as if it were an old silent film, everything seems to have been slowed down to a lower pace. And me, I’m in the midst of things, while at the same time standing at a bit of a distance observing it playing its course.
I don’t think I can express just how much I look forward to this strange feel being lifted, and being able to take in the last bit of Hanoi that I’ll be experiencing for a while.